|Life can be as dry, harsh, and beautiful all at the same time|
just like Bryce Canyon National Park, Utah
Sitting there, trying to not move much so I wouldn't wake up Shae reminded me of the days when he suffered so severely. I remember lying still all night so he would not wake up and all the nights I slept on the couch or recliner with a child so we wouldn't disturb daddy at night.
Shae wanted me to rub his head and neck numerous times today and, I have to admit, I had quite a bad attitude about it. You see, this weekend he and I had a few rough moments in our marriage. He apologized and I forgave him, yet I still wasn't over the hurt. I learned years ago that we may forgive but sometimes the hurt remains.
I layed in bed next to him, thinking about the past. Sometimes it can be bad to allow ourselves to think back to hard times. I remembered how he wasn't there to help me when I was pregnant or when my dad died suddenly. He was always sick. I thought about some of the times I needed a back rub when I was pregnant or just needed him to brush the kids teeth while I held the baby - and he couldn't or didn't.
I don't want any bitterness in my heart. I love my husband dearly and I know that he did not want the pain. But, that doesn't change the fact that I felt abandoned, alone, and lost at times.
God was always there for me, but I needed my husband.
Remembering the hard times can also be good. It caused me to check my heart and make sure there was no unforgiveness or bitterness there. Then, I thought of how thankful I am he doesn't have severe pain anymore. Those days of complete pain are over. Now, we just have to deal with some of his other health issues that show up every now and then.
I prayed for compassion today.
I prayed for mercy today.
With God's help I can overcome everything and anything.